chronicles in singledom: part:letting go!
I feel I have to write this to get this off my chest. I feel like although I've said and told myself that; " I'm okay and just fine". That " I've grown so much these past few years and learned a lot". All statements which are true, There is still some bitterness that I need to let go. To fully and truly move on and get the closure that I"m somewhat in need of.
I fell....and I think I fell hard!
Looking back I tell myself that I should have not have let my heart get the best of me. That I should have listened to this little thing I know I can't ignore now. A little thing called a woman's intuition. That little whisper from deep inside. That little whisper from friends. That little whisper from God, that told me you weren't the one. That little whisper that told me from the get go to leave you alone. That little whisper that wondered why it took so damn long for you to make a move. That little whisper that told me that maybe there was something going on in your life or someone else. That dream that told me that you had something to hide. The quick, nervous behavior that came at a second then went away. That left the hairs on the back of my neck on end when I tried come up with explanations or rationalizations on my own. But now I know.
It was someone else. Just not who I was bracing myself for. No, you were telling the truth when you said there was no "significant other" in your life at that time. Your mannerisms told me you were telling some truth, because I was certain you wouldn't be able to look me in the eye and tell me "No, No I don't". But something else that you did, The way you caught yourself as you were about to say something but thought it better not and shook your head to reiterate "No".
Looking back on it now, now that you do in fact have a significant other, a beautiful one at that, I realize that there was someone else in your life at the time. Just not a woman. And what you were going to say that you thought better not to mention was that that person was your daughter.
When I found out, not directly from you (That's a whole other story) I was shook. I'm not gonna lie. Shook because I had to put you down off the pedestal that I have built for you. The one in my head, that told me you were this man, someway somehow, you have to fit into what this man is, should be or should become. In the scheme in my mind you were supposed to be this man that would eventually succumb to his desires and to me, make me his wife, and be the father of my children. Or maybe not that man specifically but someone to take his place till he came. So I was shook because when I saw a picture of you and who I came to realization was your daughter (a pretty little girl at that!), you then became to me just a man . A typical one at that for whatever that means. One who has faults just as the next one. Not that having a child is a fault. Not at all. But deceiving, or withholding a truth, the truth. Is a MAJOR fault. And I think that is what hurts the me the most. And why.
Was it something I just wasn't that important enough to tell. Not that you didn't have time to mention. I've been interacting with you for year. So I'm pretty sure that's ample time to let it slip out somehow. Was it because to you our interactions weren't that serious, enough for you to divulge a major fact like that. I mean I wasn't your girlfriend and now that you have one who is AROUND your daughter, and obviously loves her because she loves you, that shakes me a little more. Or did you think more of me then I think and that's what stopped you from stating what is now the obvious. Did you think I would knock you down from the pedestal I built for you because you were quite aware of the pedestal, and maybe you wanted to stay there. I remember trying to articulate my discomfort after a particular interaction to my girlfriend while on treadmills as follows:
Me: Sorry I kept texting you like a crazy stalker..."
Him: "No" (shakes head), no problem, I 'll actually lost my phone this weekend"
Me: ( Peaked Interest)" How did you loose your phone?"
Him: "Ugh...(shakes head again, holding something back to finally say).... it was a crazy weekend."
Me: (Looks around, crosses arms, squints eye)...So I'll be hearing more about this, right?"(inflection at the end trying to make light of what turned into something I don't quite understand was happening in me)
Him: (thinks, then slowly nods his head) "Yeah" ( inflection as if to say okay, if that's what you want hear?"
Girlfriend: (running on treadmill) "Well my boyfriend has lost his phones lots of times. I think it's just a guy thing to do. (said as if it's a known matter of fact)
Me: (walking on treadmill, wiping the sweat off my forehead) "Yeah but what if he lost it at some girls house of something"
Girlfriend: "Well....I think he cares what you THINK of him...If that was the case and he didn't care he would have just said something."
So maybe he cared what I thought of him. Doesn't mean you have to be madly in love with someone. Just means That you don't want someone to see you in bad light for whatever reason. And with that being said it makes all the sense in the world why he wouldn't tell me had a daughter. Not only did he have every right not to, but he was well aware of what I thought of him and wanted stay there for that time. If that makes sense. I hope it makes some sense. Because it makes all the sense to me as I right this.
So I'm writing this as a way to get closure since I'm not going to get it from you. I understand and I don't want to hold any ill feelings towards you. I wish you the best in life for you and your daughter and the woman that you love. And hope you accomplish everything in life you aim to accomplish. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we won't. I'm fine with either. But I just want you to know that I understand and I don't hold your past against you. I just would have wanted to have to opportunity to come to this conclusion and tell you this in person if you have thought it better to tell me your truth.
I've come along way but have ALOT to learn about men and life!
I fell....and I think I fell hard!
Looking back I tell myself that I should have not have let my heart get the best of me. That I should have listened to this little thing I know I can't ignore now. A little thing called a woman's intuition. That little whisper from deep inside. That little whisper from friends. That little whisper from God, that told me you weren't the one. That little whisper that told me from the get go to leave you alone. That little whisper that wondered why it took so damn long for you to make a move. That little whisper that told me that maybe there was something going on in your life or someone else. That dream that told me that you had something to hide. The quick, nervous behavior that came at a second then went away. That left the hairs on the back of my neck on end when I tried come up with explanations or rationalizations on my own. But now I know.
It was someone else. Just not who I was bracing myself for. No, you were telling the truth when you said there was no "significant other" in your life at that time. Your mannerisms told me you were telling some truth, because I was certain you wouldn't be able to look me in the eye and tell me "No, No I don't". But something else that you did, The way you caught yourself as you were about to say something but thought it better not and shook your head to reiterate "No".
Looking back on it now, now that you do in fact have a significant other, a beautiful one at that, I realize that there was someone else in your life at the time. Just not a woman. And what you were going to say that you thought better not to mention was that that person was your daughter.
When I found out, not directly from you (That's a whole other story) I was shook. I'm not gonna lie. Shook because I had to put you down off the pedestal that I have built for you. The one in my head, that told me you were this man, someway somehow, you have to fit into what this man is, should be or should become. In the scheme in my mind you were supposed to be this man that would eventually succumb to his desires and to me, make me his wife, and be the father of my children. Or maybe not that man specifically but someone to take his place till he came. So I was shook because when I saw a picture of you and who I came to realization was your daughter (a pretty little girl at that!), you then became to me just a man . A typical one at that for whatever that means. One who has faults just as the next one. Not that having a child is a fault. Not at all. But deceiving, or withholding a truth, the truth. Is a MAJOR fault. And I think that is what hurts the me the most. And why.
Was it something I just wasn't that important enough to tell. Not that you didn't have time to mention. I've been interacting with you for year. So I'm pretty sure that's ample time to let it slip out somehow. Was it because to you our interactions weren't that serious, enough for you to divulge a major fact like that. I mean I wasn't your girlfriend and now that you have one who is AROUND your daughter, and obviously loves her because she loves you, that shakes me a little more. Or did you think more of me then I think and that's what stopped you from stating what is now the obvious. Did you think I would knock you down from the pedestal I built for you because you were quite aware of the pedestal, and maybe you wanted to stay there. I remember trying to articulate my discomfort after a particular interaction to my girlfriend while on treadmills as follows:
Me: Sorry I kept texting you like a crazy stalker..."
Him: "No" (shakes head), no problem, I 'll actually lost my phone this weekend"
Me: ( Peaked Interest)" How did you loose your phone?"
Him: "Ugh...(shakes head again, holding something back to finally say).... it was a crazy weekend."
Me: (Looks around, crosses arms, squints eye)...So I'll be hearing more about this, right?"(inflection at the end trying to make light of what turned into something I don't quite understand was happening in me)
Him: (thinks, then slowly nods his head) "Yeah" ( inflection as if to say okay, if that's what you want hear?"
Girlfriend: (running on treadmill) "Well my boyfriend has lost his phones lots of times. I think it's just a guy thing to do. (said as if it's a known matter of fact)
Me: (walking on treadmill, wiping the sweat off my forehead) "Yeah but what if he lost it at some girls house of something"
Girlfriend: "Well....I think he cares what you THINK of him...If that was the case and he didn't care he would have just said something."
So maybe he cared what I thought of him. Doesn't mean you have to be madly in love with someone. Just means That you don't want someone to see you in bad light for whatever reason. And with that being said it makes all the sense in the world why he wouldn't tell me had a daughter. Not only did he have every right not to, but he was well aware of what I thought of him and wanted stay there for that time. If that makes sense. I hope it makes some sense. Because it makes all the sense to me as I right this.
So I'm writing this as a way to get closure since I'm not going to get it from you. I understand and I don't want to hold any ill feelings towards you. I wish you the best in life for you and your daughter and the woman that you love. And hope you accomplish everything in life you aim to accomplish. Maybe we'll meet again, maybe we won't. I'm fine with either. But I just want you to know that I understand and I don't hold your past against you. I just would have wanted to have to opportunity to come to this conclusion and tell you this in person if you have thought it better to tell me your truth.
I've come along way but have ALOT to learn about men and life!
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