....M.ecca.....

I feel I have to write this to get this off my chest. I feel like although I've said and told myself that; " I'm okay and just fine". That " I've grown so much these past few years and learned a lot". All statements which are true, There is still some bitterness that I need to let go. To fully and truly move on and get the closure that I"m somewhat in need of. I fell....and I think I fell hard! Looking back I tell myself that I should have not have let my heart get the best of me. That I should have listened to this little thing I know I can't ignore now. A little thing called a woman's intuition. That little whisper from deep inside. That little whisper from friends. That little whisper from God, that told me you weren't the one. That little whisper that told me from the get go to leave you alone. That little whisper that wondered why it took so damn long for you to make a move. That little whisper that told me that maybe there was som...

I know this is weird, writing a letter to you when you don't really exist yet, at least not in this physical world. I guess as they say in our culture, you haven't even been thought of yet. But I guess that is not really true for me, because here I am thinking of you. I think about you a lot, and I've been thinking of you for some time. Ever since I was a little girl I dreamed of you, not really understanding that desire of wanting you being a child just myself at the time. But now here i am, a decade older, at a time in life where most have began or are well into there childbearing and childrearing phase of life. And I'm far from that right now but still I dream of you. I imagine and daydream about what you would look like. How much of me you'd inherit. How big your eyes would be, how curly your hair is gonna be, what color would you skin tone be, how you'd sound, what you would smell like and feel like in my arms. The other night at work while in the nursery,...

..so i know it's been a minute.... nine months to be exact since i posted a blog... i don't really know what my excuse is except life...life has happened is happening and is here to stay for i hope decades and decades to come...and here i am approaching the end of my twenties...okay...i have a few more years left so now at 27 i'm in the middle of the mid or late twenties and i'm learning so much about myself and have a TON and i mean TON more to learn... ...i mean i'm just getting this taking care of my own self thing down...that includes paying monthly and misc. bills, rent, beginning my career on a mother baby care unit, social life (or more specifically attempting to maintain a social life in between the whirlwind of my body's circadian rhythm from rotating between evening and night shifts at the hospital)...and with my parents now living in north carolina, i'm truly TRULY on my own down here in hawaii..so life has grasped me by collar, shaked me around...